Looking Ahead—Looking Behind

March 7, 2023March 7, 2023 ~ Paul Phillips ~ Leave a comment

It seems I’ve used up most of my available words in the last year writing about difficult things. As a consequence, for the last few months, my late-night writing sessions have been replaced by late-night reading sessions.

I want to believe the account of words I have to spend is being replenished in the process, but I’m not convinced. Time will tell.

And perhaps, that explains why I am turning loose of a few of those precious words tonight. Time is passing. Passing at a frightening pace.

As I read late into the small hours of the morning recently, I glanced down at my wrist to see the time. For several years the watch I’ve worn has been a so-called smartwatch, one that not only told me the exact time, but could relay messages from my phone, count the number of steps I have taken in a day, and even number the beats of my heart every minute of every day.

But not long ago I realized that I have tired of the over-abundance of personal information collected and shared by the device. I found my old analog watch on the bedside dresser, replaced the broken leather band, and shook it vigorously a few times to wake it up. It is ticking away on my wrist even as I share my hoarded words here.

But, in that early morning session, I glanced down at my new/old watch and remembered another reason I like it so much.

The hands of the watch indicated that it was 1:45 AM. Or, put another way, it was a quarter to two. In the morning. One might even say, it was only three-fourths of an hour past one.

My point is—the watch shows me more than just what the time is at this exact minute. I can see where I came from on it. I can also see where I am going.

The digital watch can only show me right now. If that had been the watch on my wrist, the numbers would have indicated the exact time and nothing else.

A well-known fiction writer addressed this exact issue in one of his books I remember reading a number of years ago.

Digital clocks…provide the precise time to the nanosecond, but no greater context; an infinite succession of you-are-here arrows with nary a map.
(from Song of Albion, by Stephen R Lawhead)

It’s one of my problems with the information age in which we live. Right now seems to be the only thing we’re concerned with. Our watches show the exact time. Right now. Our news reports are instant, telling us what is happening. Right now. Many of our interactions with friends are by electronic means, informing each other of our present status. Right now.

We live for today, eschewing the past, and barely considering the future. Our sages tell us to forget the past because we’re not going there and to live for today because we may never arrive at any point in the future.

Carpe Diem! Sieze the day!

Even those of us who follow Christ hear it from our teachers. The Apostle Paul said the words, so they must be a life text to hold to.

“Forgetting those things that lie behind, I press on…” (from Philippians 3:13,14)

In one way, they’re not wrong, but the apostle isn’t telling us to ignore the past as we look to the future. He’s telling us to let go of the baggage, the things we cling to as proof of our right to be followers of Christ. He doesn’t call the past garbage, just the deeds we mistakenly think have earned us a place here.

The past matters. It has shaped who we are today. Events—good and bad; interactions—kind and ugly; memories—delightful and horrendous; all have become a part of us. The real us, who we are at our core.

If the past were of no consequence, our Creator would never have inspired men to write the Scriptures. If the future were not for us to be concerned with, He would never have given us the hope of Heaven—would never have encouraged us to throw off the weights that impede our progress daily and to press on toward a certain goal.

Did I say earlier that I only glanced down at my watch in that early morning, not long ago? I meant to say that was my intention.

When I became aware again, that quarter-hour in front of two o’clock had slipped past, the minute hand easing past the top mark on the face.

Time is like that; whether day or night, it flees. Many of the old-time clocks had the Latin motto inscribed on their faces.

Tempus fugit.

I’ll never catch it. Never.

Still, a glance backward now and again gives me confidence to look to the future with hope.

And, strength to face today with purpose.

Press on.

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a huge crowd of witnesses to the life of faith, let us strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily trips us up. And let us run with endurance the race God has set before us. (Hebrews 12:1, NLT)

“Where did you go to, if I may ask?” said Thorin to Gandalf as they rode along.
“To look ahead,” said he.
“And what brought you back in the nick of time?”
“Looking behind,” said he.
(from The Hobbit, by J. R .R. Tolkien)

Nourishment

September 28, 2022September 28, 2022 ~ Paul Phillips ~ 3 Comments

I have words and phrases stuck inside my head that will never leave me, no matter how many times I take them out and share them.

It’s not a bad thing for some of them. They deserve another opportunity to be aired—to influence listeners. Those—the profitable ones—I think I’ll hang onto and give them their freedom once in a while.

But, some words need to be kept under wraps, in chains, and in the dark where they can do no further harm. They hurt going in, but I’ll not set them free to hunt any more prey. At least, that’s my intent. I forget sometimes and leave the door open for them. I wish I weren’t so forgetful.

I do love the good words that remind me of people in my life. Many of them remind me of folks who have dropped out of the story temporarily, so there’s a sadness mixed with joy when I pass them out again.

It happened again yesterday.

I was talking with a friend who isn’t doing so well right now. His is a temporary setback and he knows it. Hoping to encourage him, I laughed as I shared a favorite phrase of my father-in-law’s, one I heard often over the nearly thirty years I was privileged to know him.

They were the words he uttered often when asked how he was doing.

“I’m able to be up and around and take nourishment.”

Did I say I laughed as I said them? As I remember, I always did back when he spoke them to me or whoever had posed the question to him, too. It just seemed such a strange way to make small talk.

The old man has been gone for most of seventeen years now. Seventeen years of silence from him, and I’m just realizing the deeper meaning of the words. Words I’ve saved up for times when humor was needed.

But, that’s not what they are, is it?

I’ve come to realize the deep gratitude, the thankfulness, this curious phrase expresses. To anyone who is really listening.

“How are you?”

It’s a question inviting a litany of complaints—a laundry list of aches, pains, and privations. Frequently, those are exactly what we get (or give).

That, or we tell the standard lie and simply reply, “Fine.”

My father-in-law headed them both off and offered his perspective of gratitude for the small things.

“I have what I need. I’m able to get out of my bed in the morning and I can eat the food on my plate.”

What a great attitude! It didn’t mean there weren’t difficulties. It didn’t even mean he was necessarily happy with his life. But, he was grateful for what he did have.

Did I say it was gratitude for the small things?

I should have said they were the essentials.

Just recently, I saw a video in which an oncologist revealed what he believed were the two most important things for his cancer patients to do. It shouldn’t have come as a surprise.

The two things were to keep moving and to keep eating.

Easy peasy, you say?

Not so much when your body is wracked with nausea and pain from both the disease and the treatment for it. It’s not all that easy for the elderly to do those two things consistently. Or even for folks with auto-immune disease. Or, for those who suffer from depression.

Essentials for life.

Exactly what he said (the Lovely Lady’s father).

“I’m able to be up and around and take nourishment.”

Basics.

Move. Eat.

And, be grateful we can do them.

I think I’ll do all three today.

I hope you do, too.

Good words.

For in Him we live and move and have our being. As some of your own poets have said, “We are his offspring.”
(Acts 17:28, NIV)

A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold
In settings of silver.
(Proverbs 25:11, NKJV)

Next in Line

September 20, 2022September 20, 2022 ~ Paul Phillips ~ 1 Comment

Sometimes I say things I’m not sure I believe. It’s not a game; I just need to hear the words out loud to be able to decide.

If I believe them or not, I mean.

These particular words, I said for the first time a couple of months ago. We were sitting at a familiar corner in my little town when they escaped from my mouth. Still, I didn’t blurt them; I announced them rather thoughtfully.

I’ve had time to think about them—to play with them in my brain and in my spirit—since then. I’ve decided I do believe them. So last weekend, as the Lovely Lady and I sat at the same corner waiting for the light to change, I spoke the words again.

I may have been a little more forceful this time.

“We’re next. I think I like being next as much as I actually enjoy going.”

She gave me that look. You know.

That look.

I’m certain it was the same look she had given me weeks ago when I said the same words. I suppose she expected—since I hadn’t reiterated it again since then—that I had thought better of the original statement and wasn’t going to repeat it again.

I haven’t.

And I did.

It’s a traffic light I’ve waited for many times. We often shop at the grocery store just past the corner. McDonald’s is on that same corner. When I’ve ridden my bicycle with friends on occasion, it’s a familiar point at which to cross the busy highway.

I’ve studied the progression of the different lanes and the timing of the lights. I know when each lane will begin to move and when they will stop (well, except for those few who invariably blow through the just-changed-red light at the last moment).

Others have done the same thing as I. One can tell by the brake lights that darken as the cars ahead anticipate the opportunity to move on in their journeys. It’s clear in the edging forward that begins as the stream of oncoming traffic begins to wane

When my cycling friends are with me, we’ve been known to start across the highway before the light changes, seeing that the crossing lanes have no oncoming traffic.

We’re next!

I don’t want to argue about my thoughtful statement. I’ve simply come to the conclusion personally that the anticipation, the certainty we’ll soon be moving again in the direction of our destination, is at least as exciting to me as the actual journey.

You see, actually moving entails effort. Sometimes, it even feels dangerous (those red light runners, you know) to enter the flow of traffic again. And, to tell the truth, frequently it’s just more comfortable to sit right where I am.

You’ve seen them, haven’t you? The efficient ones. Checking their lists while they wait. Putting on lipstick. Texting their moms.

Those are the ones I don’t understand. I sit drumming my fingers on the steering wheel, counting down the seconds until the light changes. Those folks, the efficiency experts, often become so enthralled in their idle-time activities that they forget they’re next. Horns will honk. Possibly. We are in the South, you know.

Still, we don’t always enjoy waiting.

Oh, we can adapt; we can fill the time with other diversions, but soon we are absorbed in those undertakings and forget that we’re waiting. Then again, we can sit idle—stressed and worried about what’s coming next.

But, being next means being ready.

Preparation is required for next.

As when driving, one must be set for what lies just ahead. Equipment must be in good condition. Our minds must be alert and primed for action. Eyes open. Reflexes tuned.

Can’t you just feel the adrenaline rush now? I can!

The red light in front of me notwithstanding, I’m ready to go.

Ready and waiting.

We’re next!

Be on guard. Stand firm in the faith. Be courageous. Be strong.
(1 Corinthians 16:13, NLT)

“A subject uppermost on my mind which I wanted most to emphasize…is our customer service philosophy here at Walmart, ‘You’re always next in line at Walmart.'”
(Sam Walton, founder of Walmart, Inc.)

But as for me, I watch in hope for the Lord,
I wait for God my Savior;
my God will hear me.
(Micah 7:7, NIV)

Go Ahead and Camp Out

April 28, 2022 ~ Paul Phillips ~ 2 Comments

She was wrong.

My mother-in-law was. The dear lady is gone and can no longer defend her position, but her daughter may take up the argument for her—may have even done so before anyone else reads this—in her absence.

I’ve written before about my first experience playing the piano at my in-law’s house, many years past. A near-stranger in a strange place, I awaited the evening meal with my new girlfriend’s parents.

The beautiful Chickering grand piano stood begging in the living room and the Lovely Young Lady encouraged me to yield to its call while I waited. Sitting down at the keyboard, I noticed a book of arrangements from which I had played in the past.

I started well. I did. I know the starting notes of many songs. Most of them begin simply, single notes in each hand blending and playing off each other, drawing the listener in as the melody is introduced.

It’s the parts that come later in most pieces I am not so sure of. That’s what happened on this occasion. After whizzing through the early parts with ease, I ran up against some of the less familiar—and more difficult—sections.

My hands began to falter and fingers to stumble. Finally, in one difficult section of multiple chords—with notes stacked from the bottom of the staff to the top—I stopped. Leaving the sustain pedal down to keep the last correct chord sounding, I took a breath and a moment to analyze the upcoming chords.

A voice rang out from the kitchen.

“Don’t camp out on it!” came the words.

Until just weeks before she died, she was a piano teacher. She never stopped correcting; never stopped encouraging. She knew that a pianist who developed the habit of slowing the tempo every time the music became difficult would retain that habit for a lifetime.

I never faulted her for her vigilance. I don’t today.

We have phrases similar to the piano teacher’s mantra in common use in our daily life.

“When the going gets tough, the tough get going.”

“Even if you’re on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there.”

“Idleness is the Dead Sea that swallows all virtues.” Benjamin Franklin contributed that gem, along with many others in the same vein.

And yet, there are a few words I want to add to my late mother-in-law’s reproof, as well as to others who would motivate us to higher planes continually. Words to comfort and to heal. Timeless words that have quieted stressed and struggling spirits for centuries.

“Come away.”

The words are not my own, having been uttered by the Teacher who would become Savior. He acknowledged, all those years ago, the toll that constant activity, disappointments, and defeats could take on the humans who followed him.

And He said to them, “Come away by yourselves to a secluded place and rest a little while.” (For there were many people coming and going, and they did not even have time to eat.)
(Mark 6:31, NASB)

I want to tell you they’re words I’ve heeded all my days, taking time to stop and study the music of life, analyzing the hard passages, and developing a plan for going on. I can’t say that.

I have spent a lifetime in an upward spiral of activity and stress, stopping only when I crash into the incomprehensible tangle of problems and quandaries life invariably throws at me. It seems most of us do that.

But He says to take the time to camp out on it. To turn our attention to all that surrounds us and see the beauty in the midst of the chaos.

This morning, I ran into that difficult section again. I took one of our dogs to the veterinarian, thinking I might not return home with him again. Ever. The vet gave me better news than I expected, but the emotion of the morning still hit hard.

I camped out on it for the rest of the day. At first, I berated myself. The poem my dad used to quote played on repeat through my mind.

“Not half the storms that threatened me
Ere broke upon my head…”

Why do I fall for it every time? Why do I worry when I know God wants good things for me? The barrage of questions hit me again and again. I sank down into regret and disappointment.

But, here’s the thing about camping out. We take time, not only to assess the problem but to work past it—to find the way forward.

Better men than I have fretted and despaired. Abraham, Moses, David, Elijah, Peter, even Paul—and a lot more since then. The tangle of life loomed larger before them than their puny intellects could work through.

But, when they took time to look at the issues and to see the provision their God had already laid out for them, the tangle invariably gave way to become a path forward.

It’s the same for us today.

If our troubles seem too much for us, we get to take a minute or two to breathe.

Go ahead and camp out on it. Take time to relax and see His solution.

Come away.

The music will be all the sweeter for it.

Rest.

The Lord will fight for you, while you keep silent. (Exodus 14:14, NASB)

All men’s miseries derive from not being able to sit quiet in a room alone.
(Blaise Pascal)

Safe on the Stairway to Heaven

April 22, 2022 ~ Paul Phillips ~ 2 Comments

I walked up the stairs again today. And, I cried.

She was with me—the red-headed lady who has climbed with me for most of a lifetime. The stairs didn’t make her cry. And yet, she stood beside me as I looked sightlessly through the liquid prisms in my eyes, out the big windows in the waiting room of the hospital.

I haven’t been in that place since my brother died. I had climbed those stairs again and again for most of two weeks, knowing it wasn’t going to end the way I wanted it to.

Today, a friend was admitted to a room on the same floor. We went, the Lovely Lady and I, to visit. He and his wife, along with their children and grandchildren have been like family to us. I think he’ll be okay.

My tears weren’t for him. Hopefully, that time won’t come for many years.

But, I remembered something today, there on the stairs. It was a conversation I had with my brother, all those weeks ago.

His body worn out, my brother was experiencing some mental confusion in those last days of consciousness. I stood beside his bed, recognizing the fear in his eyes and I said the words to reassure him.

I’ve thought, over and over, about how untrue they were, those words so easily spoken.

Then again, I’ve come to realize the overwhelming truth in them as well.

“You’re safe here. There’s no need to be afraid.”

I repeated the words to him before I left his side that night. He said them back to me as I walked out the door.

“I’m safe here.”

Safe.

I struggle with that word. All around us, folks see danger and build their bunkers. We pad sharp corners and put exploding bags of air in our cars. We buy alarms and lights. We buy insurance and surround ourselves with medical people or natural healers, and all the best advisors we can gather near.

And still, we’re not safe. None of those achieve safety for us.

I didn’t lie to my brother. Even though he was in the hospital under the doctors’ and nurses’ care, he is still gone today. But, I didn’t lie to him.

In those long night vigils and weary daytime watches, I sang the words to him often. I don’t know if he heard them.

But, I did.

Safe in the arms of Jesus,
Safe on His gentle breast,
There by His love o’ershaded,
Sweetly my soul shall rest.

The prolific poet, Fanny Crosby, wrote the words over a century and a half ago. She wasn’t wrong.

There is one safe place. One.

I wish I could assure you troubles won’t overtake you. I’d like to promise comfort—health—prosperity.

I can’t.

And yet, safety awaits. It does.

The name of the Lord is a strong fortress;
the godly run to him and are safe.
(Proverbs 18:10, NLT)

The words translated are safe in that verse literally mean set on high.

Set on high.

Safe.

We’re safe here. In His arms, we’re safe. And we climb the stairs together.

And sometimes as we climb, we’ll cry.

Ah, but we’ll laugh and sing, too.

You’re safe here.

It’s a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step onto the road, and if You don’t keep your feet, there’s no knowing where you might be swept off to.
(J.R.R. Tolkien, from The Fellowship of the Ring)

He will cover you with His pinions,
And under His wings you may take refuge;
His faithfulness is a shield and wall.
(Psalm 91:4, NASB)

Only What’s Real

February 25, 2022 ~ Paul Phillips ~ Leave a comment

I’m not sure what it says about the young man’s cognitive abilities, but he asked if I would play my horn for a recording project he’s doing for the local university. At first, I said no, but my resistance faded as the time drew nearer. When the day dawned, I showed up, horn in hand, at the designated location.

I had used the days preceding to prepare, reading through the arrangements and playing them over. I was familiar with the keys, with the accidentals, with the intervals. It’s never good to show up for a session without knowing the material.

They put me in the middle of a big, cold rehearsal hall, surrounded by high ceilings, hard walls, and a concrete floor. I looked nervously at the three microphones around my chair but decided to focus on the music and the task at hand instead.

Blowing a few warm-up notes through the horn, I was pleasantly surprised by the tone of my instrument. Emboldened by the full, slightly echoing timbre, I exclaimed to the young man in charge of the project about the “live” character of the room. Having experienced it himself as a vocalist in the university’s choir, he smiled and agreed that it was a wonderful room in which to make music.

I sat and doodled around on the horn, going over the passages in the music I was to play and attempting an arpeggio or two up and down the range of the instrument. It sounded amazing!

I sounded amazing!

Suddenly, I was excited about doing this project. People were going to hear what a wonderful horn player I was. I would play flawlessly (having prepared ahead of time) and the room would make the sound in their ears amazing!

But then, just before we were to begin recording, the technician strode out of the control room, moving briskly to the back wall of the hall. Not paying much attention, I was surprised to hear the rattle of solid, sound-dampening curtains being closed along the wall. Then, going to each of the side walls, he repeated the process.

Talk about a letdown!

The result was instantaneous. No longer did I hear the soundwaves from my horn bouncing off the walls, the slight delay causing a reverb and broadening effect to the tone. I might just as well have been in my living room at home, playing for the black labs outside the window. It was just me and my old horn.

The recording technician must be accustomed to this. He smiled at my crestfallen features and explained. “What we need for the recording is your horn, exactly as it sounds. If we want it, we’ll add the reverb and big room sound later.”

I nodded and settled in to do what I came for. The session moved quickly and, an hour later, the young man professed to be satisfied with the result.

I wasn’t.

I’ve had a few days to think about it, and I’m still disappointed. And yet, somehow the experience has brought a little clarity to this fuzzy head of mine.

The first thing my mind jumps to is social media. I know that may seem odd, but it should begin to make sense in a paragraph or two.

It’s impossible to look at our most prevalent information source these days without seeing (and reading) things and people that are fake (or at least embellished). Much of the reading we do is sorted through a political or religious filter before it reaches us. The information begins as clean, unvarnished truth, but before we see the words, they’ve filtered through the propaganda of the particular organization from which they come.

The result is confusion and polarization.

On the social side, most of the photos we see can be assumed to be altered, as well.

The cosmetics industry is a multi-billion-dollar business, seemingly in no danger of being replaced by another short-lived fad at any time in the foreseeable future. That said, there are these filters…

In huge numbers, folks are using digital filters that alter their appearance to anyone who happens across their photo or their video as they’re scrolling online. No makeup is required. Simply apply an app that gives the effect they want and instantly the image thousands or millions of viewers see is what the person wants them to see, instead of showing how the subject actually appears in real life.

The result is jealousy and devasting comparisons, leading to poor self-image for many and really bad life decisions for some.

Prettier, older, younger, richer, skinnier—you name it, there’s a way to fool folks into believing your story.

I want folks to believe I’m a better musician than I am. If the room acoustics help with that artifice, that’s just fine with me.

Come to think of it, I want you to think I’m a better person than I am. I’m not above using situations and assumptions to carry on with that pretense. I’m not afraid to use whatever filters are available to modify the image, either.

The problem is, it’s a lie. A not-so-baldfaced lie.

So, now you know what I want.

But here’s what I want to want: To be real.

Pretty simple, isn’t it? Well, it’s simple to say; not so simple to deliver. Or, maybe it’s simpler than we imagine.

This is the bottom line: God has given us the ability to want what He wants, as well as the power to do it. It’s right there in black and white.

For God is working in you, giving you the desire and the power to do what pleases him. ( Philippians 2:13, NLT)

And He sees what’s underneath the powder and paint, hears our real voice without the added effects, and knows our hearts.

Filters down, special effects off, He sees us.

He sees. Us.

And, I’m okay with that. I do want to play the music on the page with a pure tone.

Well—I want to want that.

It’s a start. Time will tell.

Having perfected our disguise, we spend our lives searching for someone we don’t fool. (Robert Brault)

But the Lord said to Samuel, “Don’t judge by his appearance or height, for I have rejected him. The Lord doesn’t see things the way you see them. People judge by outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.” (1 Samuel 16:7, NLT)

No Strangers Here

November 12, 2021 ~ Paul Phillips ~ Leave a comment

I’m sitting in a church sanctuary, waiting for the Lovely Lady to finish a rehearsal. It’s a place of worship we’ve never been in, but somehow, we’re not feeling out of place.

The beautiful redhead is perched, with perfect posture, at the Steinway on the stage, taking instructions from a choir director she had never met before fifteen minutes ago. The folks in the choir loft are singing as she plays, while the director waves his hand in the air. She doesn’t know any of the singers, either.

It’s baffling. As if they have known her for years, they sing in tune—and in time—with the music that comes from her hands. Beautiful music, from both choir and piano—from strangers amalgamating their abilities and knowledge to achieve a goal.

Music, in circumstances that would cause us to anticipate chaos.

I have seen this more times than I can remember. Complete strangers, from all walks of life, come together with a common bond. A love of music, combined with an intimate understanding of the rules for making it—what we call theory—is all it takes.

I’ve played in orchestras, in quintets, in brass choirs, and in community bands. I’ve sung in church choirs, in small ensembles, and in mass choirs.

In each situation, we read the notes on the page, we hear the voices and instruments around us, and we follow our conductor.

No one asks about how much money we make. What our political beliefs are. What our cultural background is.

Together, we just make the music. Beautiful music.

I’ll admit it. I’m confused. No, not about the music. I’m confused about other situations in this world we live in.

There, the music is not so beautiful. Not beautiful at all.

And yet, the solution seems so obvious.

It does.

Maybe, we need another rehearsal or two.

A little practice at home wouldn’t hurt, either.

There is no longer Jew or Gentile, slave or free, male and female. For you are all one in Christ Jesus.
(Galations 3:28, NLT)

So now I am giving you a new commandment: Love each other. Just as I have loved you, you should love each other. Your love for one another will prove to the world that you are my disciples.
(John 13: 34-35, NLT)

© Paul Phillips. He’s Taken Leave. 2021. All Rights Reserved.

Fragile. Handle With Care

November 8, 2021November 8, 2021 ~ Paul Phillips ~ 1 Comment

I felt it. Every time I opened that big, heavy door to the shed—packed to the rafters with yesterdays—I felt it. The weight. The guilt. The helplessness.

It all started fifteen years ago. I was the proprietor of a reasonably successful music store in our little town. In the course of my work, I received requests for help with a variety of issues on an almost daily basis. Most were easy and painless.

This request was a little more involved, but I had no reason to be concerned. The customer telephoned, asking if I would mind shipping an instrument across the U.S. to one of his organization’s clients. I was involved with many internet transactions at that point and thought it would be easy-peasy. I’d simply box the instrument before weighing it to get a quote on the shipping and, upon receipt of the funds for costs, would send it on its way.

Glibly, I told him to bring it in.

The owner of the instrument (the one across the country, not my customer) seemed not to be interested in easy-peasy. She assured me she would send payment when I notified her of the cost, yet never responded. Again and again, I attempted to communicate with her about it, but to no avail.

I shoved the box, with its fragile markings all over it, into a back room. For ten years.

One more time during those ten years, I attempted to contact the owner but received no response. When we closed the store five years ago, we moved the remaining unsold merchandise and unclaimed items into the storage barn.

I’ve hardly touched any of those items in the years since. And yet, every time I have walked into the barn-shaped building, the sense of guilt, with its accompanying feelings of failure, has weighed heavily on my mind and soul. I didn’t even have to know where it was in the jumble of boxes and storage tubs; I felt it. I knew it was still there—mocking me—taunting me.

Failure isn’t an easy thing for me to admit.

I want my life to be a success story. Having achieved every goal I set out after, without a single black mark against my account, I will be able to die without shame.

It won’t happen.

A couple of weeks ago, I spoke with the Lovely Lady as we were driving. I shared with her the bold plan I had for resolving the issue once and for all. She wondered why I hadn’t thought of it years ago.

One day last week, I put my plan into action. You’ll laugh at the simplicity. Perhaps, you’ll laugh at how obtuse I have been. Mostly, you should laugh at my pride.

It’s the same pride that has kept me from admitting a small failure for fifteen years, allowing it to take up residence in my spirit and to steal my joy. Pride that stopped me from putting an end to the guilt and fear years ago.

The cure for my dilemma was simple. Digging around in the storage barn for a few moments, I located the shipping box. It was easy to find, with all its fragile stickers. I carried it into my shop and opened it, disposing of the styrofoam peanuts that scattered as I flipped open the end flaps.

Wait. I’m making this sound harder than it was.

What I did was this: I took the instrument back to the organization it came from. The man who brought it to me has long since moved on, but I set it on the counter and, admitting my long-term failure, gave the responsibility back to them. They said they were happy to accept it, promising to find the lady and resolve the situation.

Done. Finished. Out of my life.

Do you know how good that feels? To be free from chains I have felt for a decade and a half? I even sang in the car as I drove home.

Later on though, as I told the Lovely Lady of my action, tears came. I don’t know why; they just came and I couldn’t talk about it for a while.

I’ve been thinking about it for a few days now. Some realities have come into focus for me.

The first reality is that I don’t want to admit any of this to my friends and readers. Somehow though, that’s not the way this works. Catharsis is only as effective as it is complete. I don’t want to carry any part of this with me—except for the lessons learned, that is.

The next reality is that all of us will experience similar situations—times when we have failed, but can’t (or won’t) admit it and move on.

We all have secrets and guilt we carry with us as a constant companion.

I remember reading it in a friend’s feed on social media some time ago: “Today, I ate my emotions,” she said. I know she was talking about food and overeating as compensation for feelings. But I can’t help thinking there’s more to it than just diet.

We stuff emotions down our throats figuratively, too. Swallowing them down, thinking they’ll never be seen again, we hide our past. I’ve learned something through this particular episode in my life. It’s not a new realization, simply a reiteration of truth I may have known most of my life.

We’re not eating our emotions. They’re eating us.

From the inside out, they eat us. Day by day, affecting our relationships, our productivity, our outlook on life. If we let them. And finally, we have no choice left but to recognize the danger, the feelings of guilt, the dread of facing our failures and weaknesses head-on.

I look at the box in the recycle bin, fragile stickers on every surface, and I wonder; how is it that we, hardened and tempered by life’s experiences, have become so very fragile ourselves?

I don’t want that to be true. I don’t want to break at the slightest pressure in the wrong place. I don’t want the tears to flow anymore—don’t want the despair and hopelessness to rise to the surface, uninvited.

And yet, there it is. My throat tightens even as I write this. On that recent afternoon when the years-long matter was settled, my body trembled like an old man’s as I realized that I was finally free of the chains of the obligation. (Yes, I know I am an old man, I just don’t have the shakes on a continuing basis yet.)

But there’s another thing I’m learning as I age. I’m still finding that the capacity of our Heavenly Father to forgive and comfort us in those moments when we recognize and confess our failures and sins is inexhaustible. His love for us, even in our weakness, never ceases.

And I’m remembering my need, as an old-timer once suggested to me, to keep short accounts. Promises made need to be kept as quickly as possible. Mistakes should be rectified and apologies offered without delay.

The Apostle for whom I am named said it clearly:

Owe no one anything, except to love one another, for the one who loves his neighbor has fulfilled the law. (Romans 13:8, NET)

I could never have imagined that the favor I promised to my customer all those years ago would be impossible for me to deliver on. I certainly didn’t anticipate the mischief it would get up to in my very soul over time.

And yet, I could have admitted defeat many years ago and saved a lot of grief. I’m guessing the Lovely Lady wishes I had done that. Folks in your life might wish the same thing.

I think I’ll try it for a while.

Keeping short accounts.

I wonder who else I owe?

God pardons like a mother, who kisses the offense into everlasting forgiveness.
(Henry Ward Beecher)

For as high as the heavens are above the earth,
so great is his love for those who fear him;
as far as the east is from the west,
so far has he removed our transgressions from us.

As a father has compassion on his children,
so the Lord has compassion on those who fear him;
for he knows how we are formed,
he remembers that we are dust.
(Psalm 103:11-14, NIV)

The Son of a Do-It-Yourselfer

October 26, 2021 ~ Paul Phillips ~ 1 Comment

I did something new last week. Solomon may have thought there was nothing new under the sun, but this was new to me.

You’ll be underwhelmed when you learn what the accomplishment was. It’s not something most folks would trumpet to just anyone whose attention they could snag. Still, for a man well into his sixth decade, the completion of the task for the first time seems to me to be somewhat significant.

The house in which the Lovely Lady and I live has stood for one more decade than have I. For all those years, the front entrance has been a wooden hollow-core door. It has not fared well over a lifetime, providing only a nominal level of security. I would guess that any person so inclined, and equipped with a decent pair of boots, could have kicked it down at any time in the last few years.

So, when a neighbor offered to donate a perfectly good steel entry door she had replaced recently, I thought it might be time to replace the sad old thing on the front of our home. I won’t bore you with the tedious details but, after several hours of labor—and, I’m delighted to report, with no blood being shed—the new/old door functions reasonably well as a barrier to unwanted salesmen and wandering children. Yes, I know it still needs to have the ratty threshold replaced, but that’s a job for another day.

A new thing.

I’ve never hung a door in my life. I’d been led to believe it was an extremely difficult task, one at which seasoned carpenters had been known to blanch and walk off many a job site without a backward glance.

That last may have been a slight exaggeration on my part, but the hyperbole makes it seem more like a worthy accomplishment, does it not?

I don’t mean to sound like I need a pat on the back.

I don’t. Not today.

It’s just that when I was out in the storage shed looking for a replacement part for the deadbolt that needed to be installed on the new door, I noticed something on the workbench that awoke an old realization.

Seeing that red spring sitting there (nearly forty years after I’ve needed one) caused a week full of memories to explode across my tired old brain.

The year was 1984. The Lovely Lady and I, along with a two-year-old toddler (who was going on thirteen) and a nearly one-year-old baby, were traveling back home (for me) to South Texas in a 1965 Chevrolet Biscayne sedan. Sixty miles from our destination, the car’s motor began to act up. For me, the week of vacation was to become a week of tribulation and frustration. And triumph.

I was about to do new things—things I had never done before. I was also about to realize that my image of my father was a little skewed. Or not.

Two days after we arrived at my childhood home, I was elbows deep in two hundred thirty cubic inches of the six-cylinder motor in the crippled Chevy when my dad came out to check on me. The carburetor was on one fender, the valve cover on another, and the oil-covered valve lifters and springs sat exposed on top of the motor in front of me.

“I can’t believe you’ve torn up your car like that!” My dad was incredulous.

I was confused. I was certain my father was a do-it-yourselfer from way back, tackling jobs himself instead of paying to have them done. As a young adult, I believed I had followed his example when trying to do repair and improvement jobs myself rather than spending my hard-earned cash for the expertise of others.

I was baffled. And, I said so to him.

“I don’t know what you remember about me, but I’d never tackle a job like that,” he replied.

I put the valve cover back on and replaced the carburetor. Closing the hood, I called a local mechanic and made an appointment for the next day.

My world was shaken. My dad wasn’t who I thought he was. I needed to consider this. But, over the next two days, as we waited on the mechanic, whose expertise I was relying on, I thought about my memories of my youth at home.

I remembered, years before, the man tearing down an old house to make his just purchased property a safe place for his kids to play. My mind had images of his ancient Ford station wagon straddling an irrigation ditch while he lay under it draining the oil and replacing the filter. And I had only to walk into the living room at the old house to see the louvered room divider between the living and dining room he and Mom had built from pieces of raw lumber and dowels purchased at the local lumberyard.

I breathed a little easier. And I regretted the hundred fifty dollar invoice I paid to the mechanic in a day or two. He had replaced a broken valve spring. That’s all.

A little red spring that sat under the valve lifters. The valve lifters I had been looking at when I abandoned my efforts. I was inches from success when I had surrendered. Inches.

I spent a few more hours during that vacation week reading about the process of replacing valve springs. You know. Just in case.

At the end of that week, we waved and hugged goodbye as we loaded our luggage and kids in the big old boat of a car and headed back north.

Three hours later, we sat at the side of the road with another broken valve spring.

We limped to a garage beside the highway a few miles on, but they couldn’t offer any help except to sell me a couple of used valve springs. That was after they told me it would be three days before the repair could be effected.

But I’m a do-it-yourselfer, the son of a do-it-yourselfer!

Borrowing a bit of rope to keep the pushrod from dropping into the motor’s cylinder, I did the repair myself as the mechanics sat nearby and drank their beer, speculating on how long it would take me to surrender.

I didn’t surrender. They were amazed.

A new thing. That day, I did a new thing.

I have kept the extra valve spring all these years, never believing I’d need it again. I can’t bring myself to dispose of it. Symbols of victories won are precious, however small their monetary value might be.

I’m not advocating that everyone needs to become a DIYer. That’s not wise.

What I do believe is that we should never stop learning. Never.

And never stop doing new things.

What I also believe is that we should pass on our wisdom, the memories of our triumphs—along with our failures, to the generations that come after us. Dads, moms, grandparents, neighbors—we share who we are and what we hope to become with young ones desperately looking for examples. Good examples.

At twenty-seven years old, remembering my roots, I repaired a motor by the side of the road for the first time. Last week, nearly forty years later, I hung a door for the first time.

I wonder what I’ll be doing in twenty years. I hope I’ll still be learning. And doing.

I’d like to think there still are a few young ones who might learn something worth passing on to others yet to be born.

I hope they’ll learn more than just about front doors and old Chevys.

It’s the way our Creator designed things.

Parents, teach your children.

Tell your children about it,
Let your children tell their children,
And their children another generation.
(Joel 1:3, NKJV)

A Chainsaw is Not an Eraser

October 12, 2021October 12, 2021 ~ Paul Phillips ~ 1 Comment

It’s a melancholy sort of day. You know, one of those days when things are going okay, but even the triumphs are clouded with a kind of sadness. One of those we got the rain we really need last night, but the storm sent too many of the waiting-for-fall leaves sailing prematurely kind of days.

It all started when my son-in-law pulled the chainsaw out of his van. I’ve marveled many times at what a wonderful labor-saving invention the gasoline-powered saw is, but, in all frankness, I don’t remember ever being joyful after hearing one run. I’m never ecstatic when considering the outcome of its skillful wielding.

And yes—I did request that he bring the tool with him. I’m even the one who gave him the instructions regarding what needed to be done. I angled my hand alongside the limb and indicated the direction of the cut.

Just one cut.

The hackberry tree is as nondescript a tree as you could find on our street. The graceful maples are so much prettier, especially now that fall is upon us. The pin oaks tower above the ratty hackberry, putting it to shame by their girth and height, as well as their ability to provide shade along the lane. Even the sweet gum trees, with their annoying and spiny gum balls, are spectacular in their display on any given day.

But this particular hackberry tree…

I gather my thoughts and I begin to understand my wistful mood.

You see, the tree has hurt me so many times. And so much. It had to be done. I’m sure it did.

I stand just over six feet tall. The tree has a limb that juts out from the sturdy trunk at about sixty-eight or -nine inches off the ground. If my math is correct, that means I must duck about four inches to move under it when I’m working in my yard with a lawnmower or trimmer.

I don’t always. Duck, that is.

So, I hit my head solidly on the branch about twice a month. The last couple of times it has happened, I’m sure I heard little birds tweeting. And I saw stars. Really. Stars. On a summer’s afternoon.

If I had been a pro football player, they would have taken me into a tent to run the “protocol”, checking me for a concussion. I’m fairly sure there hasn’t been one. Yet. Still, I don’t think I can bang my head many more times without doing some kind of permanent damage.

Besides that, it’s embarrassing. The Lovely Lady has no sympathy left for me (and who could blame her?). But, more to the point, I’m worried about the entertainment the neighbors are getting for free every time I walk under the tree and then back out, rubbing the top of my head. I just know they’re laughing at me each time it happens.

So, yes. I did ask my son-in-law to bring the saw and lop off the branch. He’s a good man, who understands the need to save face (or the top of one’s head).

The limb now lies in my brush pile awaiting the next collection day.

I should be happy.

But the limb is in the brush pile. And as much as I want that to make me happy, I’m sad about it.

You see, having the limb lying in the brush pile means that my grandchildren will never again hang from it like a monkey bar. They’ll never sit on it, side by side, giggling and teasing each other. It will never again, some beautiful spring evening, be a perch for the girls to stand on while their brothers stand impatiently below, waiting to have their photo taken by Grandpa.

I’ll never again hit my head on that nasty branch.

They’ll never again play and cavort on it.

It’s a melancholy sort of day.

And so, in my not-happy/not-sad state of mind, I consider life. I do that a lot. It could be my age. It could be my nature. Regardless, I scan my memories in a this-is-your-life type of review.

It’s not a new thought that comes to me as I cogitate. Rather an old one, I believe.

Joyful events—and sad—are sprinkled throughout the span of our years.

It’s a guarantee. And both have a result in our spirits.

A cheerful heart is good medicine,
but a broken spirit saps a person’s strength.
(Proverbs 17:22, NLT)

It’s not fair for us to insist that the people in our lives be happy all the time. Life happens to all of us. It happens to each of us on a different timetable.

Often, when I’m sad, the Lovely Lady is joyful. And vice versa. It’s a good thing. I could be resentful, but there is nothing to resent. In a way, I believe it’s our Creator’s way of giving us balance. And comfort.

Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep.
(Romans 12:15, NET)

We—human beings—are intended to complement each other. We sympathize with each other. We rejoice with each other.

While we feel what we feel, we minister.

As far as the tree goes, today is not mowing day, so I mourn the limb’s absence. I suppose it’s the rapid passing of childhood I lament most of all. Truth be told, I would never have taken it down if the children still climbed the tree with any frequency. They’ve outgrown that. Still, it makes me sad.

But, come the next time I work in the yard, I’ll rejoice. No more pain! No more embarrassment! No more holding the top of my head as I berate myself for my forgetfulness.

I’m happy to report that the chainsaw is not an eraser. It can never take away my memories, either of the children playing or of my foolishness.

Life goes on. Happy times. Sad times.

We celebrate. Together, we celebrate.

We mourn. Together, we mourn.

It’s a good arrangement.

Of course it is. He made it so, just for us.

Happiness and sadness run parallel to each other. When one takes a rest, the other one tends to take up the slack.
(Hazelmarie Elliot)

He's Taken Leave

Random wanderings with Paul Phillips

life lessons